How to become who you really are - newsletter October 22

Some time ago I had a conversation that I had been postponing for a very long time.

And actually, it was more of a monologue than a conversation.

I postponed it out of fear.

I was afraid of the reaction to what I wanted to say.

I didn't want to hurt or disappoint anyone.

I didn't want anyone to get angry or for me to be excluded.

And that fear came from my thoughts.

The fear and thoughts about what the reaction might be to what I wanted to say prevented me from having that conversation for months.

I won't claim that I was consciously dealing with that fear on a daily basis, but it was always there beneath the surface.

And when I finally said what I wanted to say, hesitantly and with emotion, there was only a listening ear, encouragement to speak, and respect.

I was not met with argument or blame.

Fear of what might happen prevented me from taking action. In the end, the fear was not necessary.

I suspect that everyone at some point worries and lets themselves be carried away by fear.

Anger and frustration are often manifestations of underlying fear.

In 'A Course in Miracles,' it is said that every expression is either one of love or one of fear.

At another recent moment, I tried to communicate about my needs to someone.

Because I didn't feel heard, I used a threat.

I didn't physically threaten anyone, but I presented a kind of ultimatum.

This is again an expression of fear, just in a different way than silence/ruminating.

And when I realized that my way of expressing was not right, I thought, "hey, there must be a book about this."

In the past month, I read the book 'Nonviolent Communication' by Marshall Rosenberg and learned that what you say can sometimes be heard differently.

That is the most important lesson for me for the rest of the year.

Trying to ensure that someone who opens up to me really feels heard (= understood).

And of course, also communicating nonviolently myself.

The author explains the theory or the method but also emphasizes that applying nonviolent communication requires practice. In fact, he still makes mistakes at times.

The principle is to describe what you observe, the feeling it evokes in you, the need behind it, and then you can make a request.

You are not allowed to blame the other person, and you must not be vague.

What you say can be carefully formulated or blurted out in an outburst, and both can still come across as 'wrong.' Because often we say something, what we feel or think, but we actually don't know what the need behind that expression is.

Nonviolent Communication teaches us to think about our needs, make a request, and ensure that the other person feels heard and seen.

I thought I always saw the good in everyone and that I was very open-minded.

However, I often notice that I think and sometimes even react with anger, frustration, impatience, or control towards someone else.

That's why my goal for the rest of the year is to apply nonviolent communication.

To be a better colleague, friend, daughter, sister, employee, coach.

To be a better person.

To choose love over fear.

To become who I really am.

Love,

Stephanie

I also have space for 1-on-1 coaching for women who want to achieve a goal, are lost on their path/goal, want more self-knowledge or self-love, or feel stuck. Feel free to schedule a conversation here.