Trigger warning: bullying, physical domination, submission

Just before this, she had covered my eyes with one hand.

With her other fist, she grabbed my hair and led me to a wall.

She pushed my body against the wall and held me there.

At first, I was still laughing, playing along with the scenario.

Then she continued to kick her knees against the back of my knees and told the onlookers to laugh at me.

My smile disappeared.

She pulled me away from the wall and pushed me onto my knees on the ground.

I curled up into a ball.

Her knee pressed on my back, keeping me in place.

"Do you recognize this now?" she asked me.

I started crying.

This was an exercise during my coaching training.

I started crying because the situation was very familiar.

To my recollection, I was never physically bullied, belittled, or attacked like this.

Mentally and emotionally, however, I recognized the feeling of making myself small, conforming to the space I thought was appropriate, adapting myself, and being dominated by the will of others. This doesn't necessarily mean the other person was dominant; rather, I believed that my needs, wishes, and desires were not as important. I thought that only by completely adapting and suppressing my desires and needs could I be accepted (and loved).

It's remarkable that sometimes you need to be put in a physical position to understand what's happening emotionally and mentally.

The purpose of the exercise was to connect with your anger and fear. The idea was to externalize the anger and express it toward the other person. But I could only be angry with myself. Why was I still doing this? Why, after so many books, podcasts, and training sessions, could I not let go of this behavior?

Two weeks later, we had another training day, and the exercise was discussed. Only then did the possibility of fighting back occur to me, prompted by someone else's comment. Before that, I hadn't even thought of fighting back or saying "no." It didn't occur to me because I didn't see it as an option. In the identity I held onto, that option doesn't exist. I endure, I freeze, or I flee. Taking action, being assertive, getting angry seems like something for others, but not for me.

And for you?

What feelings or emotions don’t you allow?

How strict are you with yourself?

With which well-known figure/cartoon/character do you identify?

How does that limit you?

Something to think about.

Breaking patterns starts with awareness, acceptance, physical and emotional safety, and then realizing that YOU can help yourself.

You can enlist tools or professionals, often highly necessary to support you and show a different perspective.

However, you have all the power within yourself, even if that doesn't align with the identity you currently hold onto.

Are you seeking peace or connection with yourself?

Do you want to discover different ways to relax?

Do you want practice instead of theory?

My program Unwind Your Mind starts over every 2 months.

Here, you build a daily connection with yourself, a small me-time moment.

Sometimes a meditation, a short yoga class, a journaling session, ...

Send me a message if you have any questions or want to discuss this post.

Love,

Stephanie