Do you like it fast, nice and slow or has it been ages?
Just a few weeks ago I went to a women’s circle. The theme was self-pleasure.
I want to take you along the interesting conversation, but before I do, I want to tell you about my experience with shame.
Ever since I was a kid and later a teenager and adult, I’ve been fascinated by the topic of sex and pleasure. I also was a kid who was in love with being in love.
I remember at 12 years old, I had my first real boyfriend but at some point another girl from class was also in love with him. I don’t even remember if he ended up breaking up with me and starting something with her. I do remember there was some drama, crying and gossipping. At one point there was even a class discussion. The teacher pointed out to me that if I continued down this road, people would be calling me names (in Dutch she said: matras, in English it would be slut). At 12 years old, in primary school, in a class full of 20 children, my teacher said I would be called a slut.
This shows how society and even women amongst themselves like to shame us about chasing our feelings, joy and pleasure. And how it starts when we are young.
Anyway, in this women’s circle, we talked about self-pleasure.
Someone shared that she simply didn’t have time for it. Another woman shared that if she did engage in solo sex, she’d just go for a quick orgasm. They just aimed for the release of happiness hormones. It was not a way to relax or show yourself love. It would not be how you would want a partner to have sex with you, just some quick fix. Lots of us agreed that we felt the same way. Someone shared they felt shame after orgasming, feeling what they just had done, although it felt good, was wrong and dirty.
This made me think :
Why do I feel judgement about self-pleasure when in a committed relationship with a partner?
Why do we touch ourselves in that way, with that intent and expect a partner to show love and affection whilst making love to us?
Why do we not make time for our pleasure and relaxation, like we make time to get ready for work, go to the hairdresser, do spring cleaning or scroll endlessly on socials?
Why do some of us feel shame when we think or share about or experience our pleasure?
What is your relationship to taking care of yourself?
This doesn’t even need to imply masturbation, this can be getting a massage, taking a nap, making some time for a short meditation or yoga session. Or going to a (wo)men’s circle to talk openly about what’s been on your mind or in your heart.
Do you recognize it? Not making time for yourself? For your rest and relaxation? For your pleasure? Both alone or in a relationship?
I try to put myself first. Some days I manage this better than others. The people pleasing and not wanting to take up space and time are still present. Every day, every decision, every interaction is an invitation to find balance.
If you feel like you don’t know what to do for your me-time.
You feel like self-care is a non-existing habit of yours? I’ve got you.
I developed this program Unwind Your Mind where I provide you with daily guidance in this for two months.
Think 9 weeks of guided self-care practices to reduce stress and anxiety.
You’ll start to build the habit of giving yourself daily attention.
(and you can always choose to finish with a happy ending yourself 😛)
We start 1st of June and if you sign up this week, it’s only €70 for two months.
You will have access to the video and audio material for one extra month.
There’s one coaching call included to talk about your goals or struggles or to receive a private session of reiki, yoga, …
I based this on the habit loop mentioned in Atomic Habits (James Clear), so we can get the scientifically best way of building and maintaining our habits.
Don’t postpone yourself.
We all know life gets in the way if we don’t make time for ourselves.
Dedicate some time to your wellbeing, you deserve it!
See you in the program?
Lots of love,
Stephanie
PS: if you have any questions about the trajectory, you can find more info here or you can fill out the form to get your free coaching intake.
Also, if you know someone who would love or need this, feel free to pass them this blog.
Happiness only real when shared. <3
